Mythic Artifacts of Insanity

[cfjeldstrom]

I'm looking to put together a list of artifacts that have been created by an insane immortal. The main criteria is that they should have some practical purpose, but that purpose does not have to actually relate directly to the form of the artifact in question, or the method that it is activated. The purpose may be mundane, or extravagent, but should be quite totally insane.
[spoiler]
So far I have 2 artifacts designed.
1) the Armour of Torments
This "Armour" is not much mure then a pair of claws, a collar, nipple shields, a crotch strap, and a pair of stiletto heeled thigh high boots.
http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2010/043/e/8/Wolf_gal_by_pleroo.jpg
The Armour is moderately intelligent, and can be reasoned with, to an extent. It only chooses female hosts, and has the ability to impregnate it's wearer, to produce it's next host. It has the ability to gain enchantments that boost the hosts fighting abilities, much like normal equipment can be enchanted. The tormenting part of the armour is that, as time goes by, and it offers new enchantments to it's host, it also will develop sexual torments for the host. The armour develops and gets more skilled at it's torments as the host develops (i.e. gains experience). The armour has been designed to seek out and achieve specific goals, and will produce, or find new hosts until it's objective has been completed.
2) the Corset or Rebirth
This corset has the ability to confer a new life onto a female of child bearing age, regardless of pre-existing verility. It does so by soaking up the soul of a male orc, tightening around the victim until he is quite thoroughly dead, and then tranforming that soul into a new one that is then transferred into the females body, resulting in pregnancy. The corset takes 6 hours to cleanse the soul of it's "impurities".
[/spoiler]

[weenog]

Are you sure you're looking for crazy and not just rape?

There was one item that turned up in a game a long time ago.  It was a ring with the gemstone and setting on a concealed hinge, flipping the setting aside revealed the opening to an extradimensional storage space.  4,000 lb weight capacity, but the opening was only 1 inch wide.  Good for potions, poisons or powdered spell components if you've got a funnel and a lot of time to kill, I guess.  Or rope... lots and lots of rope.

[AriasDerros]

Yeaaaaaaaahhhhh, the first one is just the Witchblade as a Weapon of Legacy that rapes you.

The second one is just an auto-kill device (ah-la dust of sneezing) that rapes you.

[veekie]

Yeaaaaaaaahhhhh, the first one is just the Witchblade as a Weapon of Legacy that rapes you.

The second one is just an auto-kill device (ah-la dust of sneezing) that rapes you.

Pretty much. The only theme there is rape, which is cool, if its a rape god or something.

Proper insanity would be more of something that does exactly what it says, but in an oblique, disturbing or otherwise messed up manner.
Like skimpy armor that hooks into your flesh to avoid you losing its protection and turns you into a statue if it thinks that'd protect you better for the moment. However it does provide excellent protection against many forms of attack.
Or a fork of devastation.

[weenog]

Awkward silence.

Guess somebody has a rape fetish and was just looking for ways to whack it at the table.

[Sinfire Titan]

Or a fork of devastation.

You mean the Fork of Horripilation.

[shiningphoenix]

Well, if we're going down this road... (I didn't put these in the sex toys thread because they're either not in clear rules territory, or wouldn't be things you would particularly choose to buy)

• Mace of Other Bodily Fluids: It's a Mace of Blood that uses some bodily fluid other than blood...
  
• Sex-Bane Dagger Weapon: It's a +1 dagger, but it becomes +3 and inflicts an additional 2d6 damage when wielded against those who have had sex in the past minute.
  
• Vibrating Armor of Invulnerability: It's a suit of armor that sexually stimulates the wearer and gives them DR 10/magic (or epic if you want it to matter more often...) for a minute every time they orgasm.
  
• Pocket-Pussy of Excessive Ejaculation/Dildo of Torrential Secretions: If you masturbate to orgasm with it (it's magically enhanced so it only takes a standard action to do that...), it casts grease.
  
• Mask of Seduction: The wearer of this ornate mask receives a +4 enhancement bonus to Charisma, and anyone gazing upon the wearer's (covered) face must make a will save (DC = 10 + 1/2 wearer's HD + wearer's (enhanced) charisma) or be overcome with lust for the wearer.
  
• Flasher's Longcoat: As long as the wearer of this coat would be indecent without it (agree on the definition with your players), he or she benefits from a heroism effect.
  
• Potion of Sexual Healing: It's a healing potion that requires you to have sex to benefit from it.
  
• Vaginal Shield: Any non-touch attack that misses your AC by an amount less than the bonus to AC afforded by this shield has 'penetrated' the shield. If this happens, the shield casts grease on the weapon (CL = item's CL, DC = 10 + 3/4*CL)
  
• Dildo of Breath: It's a penis-shaped bottle of air.
  
• Pacifier of Prayer: Suckling on this item grants the benefit of a prayer spell.
  
• Topless Room: This room is filled with an antimagic field that does not affect spells cast or items worn by people who are topless.
  
• Saddle of the Steed: Anyone wearing this saddle properly gains the movement modes of a Phantasmal Steed if they move on all fours, and gains the increased carrying capacity of a quadruped while doing so
  
• Incense of Sexual Obsession: If you inhale this incense, you must make a Will save (DC 16) or become obsessed with sexual thoughts, suffering a -2 morale penalty to non-sexual acts and gaining a +2 morale bonus to sexual ones. This effect lasts indefinitely, and is based on Bestow Curse.
  
• Collar of the Untiring Servant: This collar grants the wearer the benefit of the Endurance feat and a +2 Enhancement bonus to constitution, but also allows them to be summoned (as a Summon Monster spell; the summonee remembers what happened only in broad strokes, no specific details to track down the summoner) by the wearer of a special ring keyed to that particular collar. The summoning lasts for 20 rounds, counts as a (4th?) level spell, and takes a full-round action.
  
• Goggles of Gazing: The wearer of these goggles finds their eyes drawn to the sexual parts of sexually compatible creatures (as determined by the character's orientation and interests), gaining a +10 competence bonus to spot checks against creatures with such parts, but affording concealment to all creatures without.
  
• Cursed Portal: This portal sends creatures and cursed items one way, and uncursed items the other way. One of these directions may simply be "the same place you would go if you walked around the portal". Individuals walking through may make a DC 15 Wisdom check to notice this before they go all the way through the portal, losing only held items. If the portal is not opaque, the check is a spot check. (Cursed is defined for these purposes as items which require remove curse to be rid of)
  
• Gloves of Healing Gropes: These are use-activated gloves of Cure Minor Wounds that only work if the user touches the target's sexual parts as an attack action (because iterative attacks need some love, even if it's only a little.)
  
• Heels of the Bard: The wearer of these ludicrously high heeled shoes gains a +2 circumstance bonus on all charisma based skill checks, but must make a DC 10 balance check each minute while wearing them or fall prone, suffering 1d6 bludgeoning damage plus 1/3 the Caster Level of any enchanted floor he or she falls upon. If the wearer moves faster than a walk, the DC increases to 15.
  
• Fake Amulet of Mind Blank: Each time this item is donned, the wearer must make a Will Save (DC 18) or fall victim to the delusion that this amulet grants a Mind Blank effect, imposing a -2 circumstance penalty to saves against [Mind-Affecting] or Divination effects, and preventing the wearer from noticing them. If the save is failed, nothing less than a Remove Curse spell will allow the item or the delusion to be removed.

[weenog]

Sex-Bane Dagger Weapon: It's a +1 weapon, +3 against those who have had sex in the past minute.

I'd have called that the Cuckold's Dagger.  Seems perfect for murdering your wife in a fit of jealous rage after catching her in a moment of unfaithful indiscretion, and not much else.

[shiningphoenix]

I'd have called that the Cuckold's Dagger.  Seems perfect for murdering your wife in a fit of jealous rage after catching her in a moment of unfaithful indiscretion, and not much else.

Killing people after having sex with them personally was the original idea. I would have given it a bigger bonus to damage (2d6, maybe more), but that would have ruined the simplicity of the design.

[weenog]

Well a genuine bane weapon is +2 hit/dam enhancement and +2d6 damage against its intended target.

[shiningphoenix]

EDIT: I was trying to edit the post, not quote it. 

[shiningphoenix]

Well a genuine bane weapon is +2 hit/dam enhancement and +2d6 damage against its intended target.

Well, guess what? I looked it up, and you're right. Edited.