Copy from old WotC boards. Too bad the pictures didn't come with it.
[spoiler]Dwarves.
Why? Because elves are liars.
Sure, they will tell you their magic is supreme. They prattle on about their bonds with nature, mystical abilities, and dedication to art and beauty. They'll brag about being masters of swordplay and archery as well. Elves will lay claim to any environment, asserting that they have mastery over that domain, the best possible architecture, and the best possible traits.
Elves lie.
Look upon their stats, yea people, and see something amazing. They have no natural magic. They have no boons to dealing with nature. Gnomes, cousins of the dwarves, do, however. The average elven swordsman is no better than a human a century younger, both have the same accuracy. Their missile weapon abilities have no benefit beyond dexterity, and halflings exceed them. Moreover, the hin also defeat the elves in any regards to stealth, and are equally if not more nimble and accurate in all respects. Finally, elves have no crafting bonuses whatsoever.
No, my friends. These myths of beautiful, haunting creatures of grace and magic are nothing but lies. Let me tell you what elves really are.
Let us begin at their beginning. As a child, the common elf is the result of a ritualistic spawning practiced by two elven parents. No, not an elven father and mother, elves actually have no permanent gender. Instead, their androgynous forms gradually grow to mimic the normal reproductive traits of other, greater species, and any given elf can transition between the two.
Spoiler:
Photographic evidence, vaguely female to vaguely male:
During the ritual, which is far to disgusting for mortal ears, a new elven larva is created. Elven physiology is a difficult subject, as their natural form is so very difficult to pinpoint. It is interesting to note that, despite poor constitution, an elf possesses an incredibly long lifespan. This is because elven biology is based not around protecting itself from disease, but from absorbing it. Elves draw filth, parasites, and other damaging creatures into their systems, becoming a hive of festering decay. As a result, their body changes to mimic its surroundings. Underwater, an elf is full of vicious sea-based microbes, while in a city, it will contain more garden-variety corruption. Thus, rather than be an eventual victim of disease, elves instead thrive in it, becoming hosts to plagues they can spread across the world.
Spoiler:
An elf absorbs surrounding filth.
A water elf, fully stocked with watery parasites.
A swamp elf.
Now, many skeptics will now claim that elves should die when subjected to such putrescence. This would normally be the case, if it were not for the single magical ability elves naturally possess. By channeling their connection to the defilement, elves can pass on their blight to surrounding creatures, particularly in the form of sabotaging expecting mothers. Concentrating their vile witchery on the unborn, an elf creates an inner plague in another being, supplementing their own lifespan with that of an innocent. Yes, my friends, it is true.
Elves cause cancer.
Elven cancer, or Elfrot, usually effects young women, sometimes men, gradually destroying them from the inside out. It is an insidious disorder, one that can take years to manifest completely, by which time the elf has retreated back to its underground mire, wallowing in more carrion. A terrible, heartrending tragedy, one that has struck many upstanding dwarven and human communities. Mira Forgerunner, the poor lass...
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Pardon me, I need a moment.
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Apologies, long memories of a time far gone. Moving on...
From an early age, these elf spawnlings are instructed in insidious means of violence, for elves are naturally inclined towards causing discord. By withholding food, elven parents ensure that their next generation will be similarly gaunt and withered, allowing them to add disguising features quite easily, squirm through the tiniest spaces to infiltrate houses, and escape capture when quarantined by upstanding citizens. All elves are trained in weapons suitable for dishonorable combat, from backstabbing with rapiers to sniping and fleeing via long ranged missile fire. Furthermore, they are attuned to the portals of their dank caverns, their senses honed in the pulsating light of scavenged luminescent fungi, allowing them to lurk for extremely long periods of time, even years.
Elves then spread out across the world, bringing with them their putrid cargo. By planting themselves near honest communities, they sow rot and grime from a place of refuge, fueling their lifespan. Lurking in the shadows, elves will go to great lengths to acquire magical items to hide their natural disfigurements. Their favorite targets are wizards, and by learning their habits and methods, elves prey upon them during their sleep. Through huge amounts of stolen magic, usually claimed after the honest wizard has succumbed to an infestation of Elfrot or been stabbed in the back, elves are finally capable of entering their adult phase of plague. Walking amongst the living, using massive illusions to hide their wretched forms, elves sow further strife in society.
After managing to find a suitable innocent to host their plague, and elf creates the vile Elfrot, then retreats to a den. Often, an elf will corrupt the surrounding landscape, infusing it with filth and decay to create a lair. Lurking in the deep recesses of the putrefaction, the elf is free to subsist on the innocent's life force for many years.
Spoiler:
A grove, corrupted by the fungal-like spores of a elven filth
Breaking this putrid, parasitic bond is nearly impossible without finding the vile elf, purifying its noxious lair, and ending its corruption completely. Unfortunately, stamping out the elven menace is very difficult, as they can wallow in their lairs for more than the average human's lifespan, sapping the strength of the unwary and innocent. I therefore urge all adventurers to be wary of this plague upon our good lands, and to strive to curb its corruptive influence for the good of all.
Kilroth Hammertong, Impartial Scholar
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