casts raise thread.
Stupid question how are you getting grapples in the 80s and 90s? I can see getting in the neighborhood of +14 from G. Arms and some from feats but still not finding something that high. I'm just considering doing some kind of grappler and still want to try out incarnum so this seems to fit.
The capstone class feature. 8 points of essentia is the normal cap for a 20th level meldshaper (+4 base, +1 feat, +1 item, +2 class feature). Totemists get a class feature that doubles the essentia in a soulmeld, meaning you get 16 points total.
Girallon Arms provides a +4 bonus to grapple checks, and an old rule that never got contradicted was that creatures with 4 arms get a +4 bonus to grapple checks (so Girallon Arms effectively gives a base +8). Then it's an additional 2/Essentia, giving you +32 (+40 total).
Since it is bound to your Totem and not your Arms, you either shape the Kraken Mantle or Mauling Gauntlets (or both with the right build) to get another +8 (48), add your Strength (usually +6, but +10 is easily possible), magic items (Belt of Expansion, augmented for maximum size), feats (Improved Grapple you can get for free, so that's a +4), and any buff spells the party casters would like to use on you (several of which grant Grapple bonuses).
For added bonuses, Polymorph yourself into a Mind Flayer. You still get your soulmeld benefits, but you now have the Mind Flayer bonuses from their tentacles.