I was playing a lich
channeler in the
Midnight setting. We entered a huge, abandoned keep and got set to spend the night there. Being a lich, I spent the night in study, trying to learn a new spell from a book I got out of a bad guy's chambers.
Spiders started crawling under the door, so I ordered my undead minion to seal the door behind me, and I ordered my familiar to feast on the spiders still in the room. I went to investigate, bringing my pack with me (in it I had scrolls, potions, and most importantly, my lorebook containing virtually all my character knew, secret or otherwise).
I eventually ran into the vampire master of the keep and politely introduced myself. He was pissed. Turns out the artefact I kept with me that surpressed the undead's violent urges to maim and kill all living things had removed his desire to drink the blood of the living too, and he wanted it back. He liked it.
I tried instead to make him an ally, attempting to convince him that our fight against the dark god was one that would benefit him as well, and that I would be leaving in the morning. He sent his giant spiders after me. They weren't much of a challenge, but they did web me up pretty good.
Ignoring my distressing situation, I continued trying to get him to join us. That's when he spotted my lorebook sticking out of my pack. He demanded it in return for my freedom and I declined, so he attacked. First with lightning, then with cold rays, while his spiders tried to stab me. The GM had forgotten lich properties (immune to lightning and cold, and DR 15/bludgeoning and magic) so I bluffed that the spells were tearing me up. I told him I was bluffing about something, but not about what, and the vampire kept rolling poorly.
"How's he look?" I asked.
"Quite spent," the GM replied. "He also looks surprised, because really, you took on some powerful spells. Holy crap you have a lot of hit points."
"Yeah, sure do," I said dismissively. "I ready an action to cast the spell I have written on this card as soon as he's in range to touch. Bluff save so he doesn't know that's my plan."
The GM rolls, then, "Failed again! The vampire says, 'I tire of this' and swoops in to grab your pack that contains your
lorebook," he said ominously.
"Does a 23 hit his touch AC?" I asked after rolling. "Good, he's been hit with a
heal spell."
"Oh." Crestfallen, he continues, "The vampire swoops away with your pack and coughs, looking hurt."
"I say, 'You shouldn't have done that. I could have used a minion like you.' 29 still hits his touch AC right? A bolt of blue and black energy shoots out and crushes the vampire's chest. I cast
disrupt undead."
Another player chimes in, "Wait that's a 0-level spell right? What the hell?"
"Yes, it's a 0-level spell," I reply. "It does 1 point of damage."
"The vampire," the GM continues, "shrivles into a pile of dust."
Everyone woops, laughing that the vampire lord of this keep was killed by such a lowly spell. "So how long will it take you to heal up after that epic fight anyway? He threw everything he had at you," the GM asked.
"Maybe you should look at my character sheet."
We all thought it was pretty hillarious.