So I was out yesterday (I figured it'd been enough time since my last disastrous encounter with the nightlife), and I run into this nice chick. Now, I'm usually pretty dense when it comes to come-ons, but this one caught my eye pretty damn quick.
I'm chatting her up when this large douchebag comes out of the blue and demands I stop talking to his girl. At which point I notice he's drunk off his ass. I ask her if she knows the guy. She informs, succintly, that he's her ex and he's not over her. So I turn to the guy.
"Excuse me, what's your name?"
"It's Roberto."
"Honey, do you mind taking your top off so I can check for tattoos, nametags, anything that would identify you as his property?"
She was nervous as he arrived, but then she let off this huge laugh and said, "Sorry, not right now."
"Sir, in accordance with civil law, I cannot verify your claim. Therefore, you shall be ignored insofar as this conversation is concerned." I turn back to her. He reaches for her wrist, all "lemme go", at which point I pull his wrist away.
"She said no. Go look for a dead girl so you don't run into the same problem twice."
So the guy tries to slug me. Too slow, too drunk, too moronic to work. I just leave my foot in front of him and he stumbles naturally upon it.
At this point half the bar is laughing at the guy. So he gets up, gets angrier and tries the same thing again. I just sidestep and gently push him forward by the back of his neck.
"Y'know, if I were wearing red and she really WERE your girl, the metaphor would be complete."*
This goes on for a while until security removes his ass.
Later that night, I score.
*The brazillian term for cuckold is "corno", which means literally "horn". A guy who's been cuckolded is therefore dubbed "chifrado" or "horned". So, red plus guy with horns = bullfight.
I don't actually know whether this belongs on this or the Happy Happy Joy Joy thread.