Hooo boy, this'll be a long one.
Anna walked into the tavern looking around slowly with her dark blue eyes. She smiled as she took a seat at the bar counter. The bartender looked at her as he was wiping a glass clean.
Your sentence structure is a bit dull, but it's a style thing. I'm used to
the swamp of commas (TM)Let be give another example. Picture frame 1: Open the door.
Frame 2: See the man
Frame 3: He turns around
Frame 4: She comments on his presence. Note that so far, we have no indication that she has moved from the doorframe.
Frame 5: she hugs him. Now suddenly they're hugging, the distance between them dissapeared. It's like pulling the rug from under our feet when trying to picture it.
Using the exact same sentence structure here "looking out the window" makes it repetitive.
Besides, now he has turned around again. Or is he still standing towards her and turning his head towards the window?
I don't know.
That's telling, not showing. There's a difference. Ellaborate this. Some remark of her posture, her tone. Obviously the topic merits her reaction, but what I'm getting is that she doesn't trust this man to tell her the truth. Why should he lie?
Is there a history here, is the topic sensitive?
We don't know.
"And because of that, I think, is why you have a price on your head"
Wrong structure.
"And because of that, I think, you have a price on your head"
"I think it's because of that, that you have a price on your head"
Slightly repetitive. You don't always have to end a sentence with the speakers name, you could substitute the last "Anna" with "she".
Again, single pictures, no flow.
Obious remark, you're lacking a question mark.
There are multiple guys here, yet only one description. You say they look mean, but no hint how.
Change of tempus, it's in past tense so it should be "had his hair in a pony tail" nor "has his hair in a pony tail".
"At the end of the earring hung the mark of the Trades Guild, which is shaped like a small globe".
This right here is info-dumping.
Something to consider instead:
"At the end of the earring hung a small globe, the mark of the Traders Guild."
Too many "which" spoils any story. Same with too "and then".
Wouldn't hurt to give a picture wether or not they actually looked up when she spoke or not. For all I know, they're still staring at the map.
I like the exchange of words here. What's its name?
Dialogue, that's it, Dialogue.
But the scenes keep skipping frames.
Not much to say that I haven't allready said.
This seems more like a document of ideas what will happen, a sketch if you will, than a finished product.
She looked at the key to see what room it belonged to. On the key the number 28 was inscribed. She smiled as she headed upstairs to room 28.
Repetitive. Just "upstairs" will do, no need for the "to room 28".
She used the key to unlock the door and then pushed it open.
With a risk of sounding like an asshat:
No shit sherlock?
What else would you use to unlock the door with?
"She unlocked the door and pushed it open".
Remeber what I said about too many "and then"?
Good.
She walked into the small bedroom looking around. She then lay down on the bed and fell asleep.
"Mmm, I seem to have four walls and a ceiling, no dead corpses that I can see. Good, let's go to sleep".
Ellaborate her actions a bit, what's in the room?
A few hours later she woke up to the sun coming in through the window. She stood up looking around the room.
Nothing strange about that, she seems to like to look around without noticing anything.
With such a quick glance yesterday, no wonder she have to do it again [/irony]
She headed down stairs look around the now empty tavern before heading out side.
If I'm not misstaken, downstairs and outside are spelled just like that, not "down stairs" or "out side".
You're missing a "to" in her endless effort "to look around".
Right as she stepped outside she smiled glad to be home again.
Despite the prize on her head?
Sure, I can buy that.
She headed over to Nakhon Kasem, home of the majority of merchants and traders in the city. She smiled looking around feeling at home.
She seems awfully relaxed and unbothered for someone who came back because someone wants her head. If she carry on that sort of thing she'll be in trouble in no time.
She went from booth to booth looking at the goods and people. She walked up to a booth that had pots and pans for sell. Before she could speak, she felt the tip of a knife pressing against her back. Her eyes went wide in fear.
At least she composed herself quick enough. Maybe there's hope after all.
Huh?
What do you mean?
I don't honestly understand what you're trying to say here.
The kick knocked the attacker to the ground causing the other shoppers and merchants to back away from the fight.
Anna knelt down beside her attacker and pulled back the hood revealing a young girl, who appeared to be about the age of 17 or 18.
I take it the attacker is unconcious?
Otherwise, keeling down to unmask a knife-armed person who just threatened to stab you doesn't strike me as the best of ideas.
The girl opened her eyes wide with fear, shocking Anna into moving far enough away to let the girl get up and run off with a bruise on her face from the kick.
And suddenly regains conciousness. Which startles Anna. I can buy that. The term "wide with fear" is becoming hackneyed. (now that what you have a dictionary for. What a strange word.)
She likes looking around?
Guess what, it's getting a bit repetitive
Also, I suggest... well I can't spell it but
it looks like this at least.Italicized I think.
"keeping" is not correct.
It should be ",keep" or "and keep".
Finally, shouldn't it be "I" not "we"?
Or are you trying to make him fake the number of people that's currently present?
First of, there should be a comma between smiled and recognizing.
Secondly, as a matter of taste, I think "She smiled as she recognized the man" sounds a lot better.
I might as well mention it here, since it doesn't really matter. Nowere in this section do we get a description of how he looks, besides his clothes. Scratch that, the tunic and the cloak. Does he have any pants?
What color?
Can you now?
Nothing in her attitude betrays she have the assumed training and mental skills of a "commander" with these "Rangers".
You're not doing a good job making me belive they know what they're doing.
Report?
To whom?
You've got a great plothook here to continue the conversation so we get to know who ordered it.
Or if she knows, give an indication, some thought of hers, that makes us belive she does.
Then we wish to continue reading, so we can find it out.
I assume it's to the "Ranger HQ" for a lack of a better term, but should we pay any attention to this?
You've got a small hook here, use it
No comma. Italicized or bold text for the name is an idea.
Now we're getting somewere. This is more to my liking, more text, nice flow, the details that makes all the important differences.
Fireplace and someone.
No "to" in "return here".
I think it should be half-sister, I'm not sure.
Scratch "back" in "came back to her".
Redundant word.
Should be "the city" not just "city".
her face?
DId Anna have her cloak covering here face?
Or is it the stranger, that seems to be a male.
Either way, I'm confused.
Nothing to complain about here, that I haven't allready mentioned.
She just sat down?
Giving away the mental higher ground she just took by ignoring his rank?
Ok.
She could sit down cautiously, irritated, quitely or a myrriad of other ways.
Body language betrays intention and feelings.
It's a powerfull tool, use it.
Ok, now I'm really confused.
Does she like this dude?
There was menacing vibes in the air until a few seconds ago and nothing indicated that she had changed her mind.
The note about there was no imidiate violence on the horizon doesn't diminish the fact that it could blossom at any time.
Even more likely if you're after some sort of "Elite-squadron" that these "Rangers" seems supposed to be.
No indications whatsoever in her tone whether or not this guy is "the enemy".
My impressions jump from one point to another in litterally no time at all.
This is bad.
She got a small amount of "bad-ass points" for her threat, but looses them and goes down into the negative "bad-ass zone" for her worried tone.
If she's not really worried but playing him, indicate this by having her thinking someething that describes this.
Seems good, old loyalities.
Now he's the bad guy. Unless he is joking. If that's the case, a small note of his smile or something will betray that it's a joke and not a threat.
Well she found it funny at least. That's something.
Now he's good again. This jumping around makes my head spin.
Again, asshat warning:
Really?
No shit, why else would you ask if you weren't hoping for the truth?
I told you to flesh it out, but this situation is the reverse one.
Redundant statment, drop it.
/he Tobias finished saying.
Reduntant text in red.
Alternative in green.
Ok, it's settles. He's a good guy for now.
And see, she can't sit down for tive minutes. What you are doing is substituting plot for action.
Or rather, details and background for contineous movement.
You're so focused to get going on the next thing that you rush your reader through everything.
It will end up with them having read everything, noting nothing and caring even less.
Please do something about it.
, unless, me or Marcus gives her a
Reason?
Reason for what?
"her reason for comming there".
Why Marcus?
What context does that question have here?
I'm confused again.
I'm not even sure angrily is a word. If it is, it sounds ridiculous.
Try frustrated. Or upset.
Anna asked looking around.
You don't always have to mention who sais what.
Ok, they pull their daggers. No reason why (yet). No indication why (yet). BUT. No description of how, if you write "He pulled the dagger after a glance towards the door, Anna not far behind with hers" or something, your setting the stage for the action. Because:
/drawn incase any trouble started/incase of any trouuble.
This just snuck up on me.
Either you do as I mentioned before, or you say something about it beeing to late, because the rangers hadn't been detected in time for Anna and Marcus to do something about them.
As it is, I'm reading one picture frame and you're not even jumping ahead to the next one, you're changing it as I'm looking at it.
for me too
Reduntant part in blue.
One very good thing though, which I think bears repeating, is that you have nice dialogues.
! You sold me out!star of honor
Star of Honor should be in captial letters.
Red part indicates yelling and screaming should use an exlamation mark.
haha, I broke the maximum lenght... 40000 characters.
